First Times Part 2

1) 2/13 - Last night, I think I had what felt like my first (minor?) anxiety attack. But it could have been low blood pressure (which is strange b/c its high blood pressure that runs in my family). Despite a warm environment, I had cold and calmy hands and feet, heart racing, stomach in a knot (borderline nauseous), panicking over every little thing (I even began to panic that there were too many people on the train or worry why the train was delayed), mind racing, lungs & heart feeling like they will fail (which added to the panic, which is not good). Horrible, Horrible feeling.

I don't know what could have caused it:
-Lack of vitamins & minerals (this is why ppl have to eat healthy & conciously) - although I had a good and healthy breakfast and lunch
-Build-up of stress
-Sudden change (drop/surge) in hormones
-Low blood pressure (this is probably it b/c I'm really in denial this is anything serious)

What I do know:
-I'm glad to have called Joaquin's mom for advice and that Joaquin was there - attentive and concerned, and willing to take me to the hospital if needed. However, I was in mild denial that this was serious.
-I don't ever want to go through that again.


A few hours later....

2) My first religious epiphany (well, sorta).

With so many questions around me regarding faith and who I turn to in times of need and desperation, it gets a little hectic with my emotions. It plays with my emotions. But during a wedding rehersal I couldn't keep my eyes off the couple and see how much in love he still is with his bride and how beautiful she looks smiling and nervous. Then I looked up at the very top of the wall behind the altar and read: May Almighty God Bless You, The Father and the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

I read those few words and that was all it took to extinguish most of the heavy-burden anxiety in me. Even for just that moment. I got a long way to go but I’m so content to be able to believe in something this strong that it had the ability to calm me in a split second - faster than any pill, meditation, or therapy can do. For this, my faith is unwavering. That no matter how bad things get, I'm almost (hey, it ain't perfect) sure I will still believe and still be thankful. For this I am grateful.

Amen.


3) Me FINALLY being at peace with my crazy thoughts since God-knows-when. Its called divine intervention. LOL, No, I dunno. But I'm at a better state than I was 2 weeks ago (*knock on wood* lets not go back to that evil place again). It took me awhile (with much psychoness) to get me to this place, that even if its lasts only for a moment, at least I've reached it (and I've saved a few strands of sanity/tears/eye bags/etc).