SMH

There are those days when you think to yourself "what am I doing with my life??". Today is one of those days.

Birf day

I'm officially 27, as of last Friday. So here's some new insights thus far:

I don't like alcohol, and I don't mean rubbing alcohol. I would be content if we were to ban alcohol (when handled irresponsibly, it kills more people than a plane crash), and it makes belligerent fools out of some people.
I drink coffee maybe twice a month, average.
Acupuncture rocks.
The ferret is fatter, and I love it.
Joaquin can cook steaks like my dad.
I really like my job.
I really like my job to a point that I want to improve by being open to the thought of Business School.
8 times out of 10 my birthday plans usually get all weird - something happens and things don't turn out as planned.
Thanks to Lil', I got two DVF dresses for the price of 3/4 of one (do the math, that's really cheap people!)
I talk to myself a lot more these days (must be gettin' crazier).
I like to saute bok choy (lol).

#42

"The best is yet to come."

#25

"No one is in charge of your happiness but you."

Cansada

It's one of those nights where I'm so tired I completely abandon all my standard Monday night activities, peel off my clothes, and slither under the covers. I'm. So. Tired!

I haven't been this tired in months. I also seem to be craving a burger. And maybe some the local grease cart's chicken and rice with the mysterious "white sauce".

I almost feel guilty doing nothing productive and I'm already so hard on myself for not sweating this exhaustion out in the gym. But you know what, I have to listen to my body. It knows itself best. Good night!

There’s a saying that if you are constantly thinking about a hypothetical situation, you are calling for it to actually happen. What if, in your mind, that hypothetical situation is inevitable? I wouldn’t mind if it was a positive situation, but knowing my twisted mind, it’s definitely teetering between pessimistic and realistic. I can hate how I think sometimes…

This brings me back to: "And nothing pisses off a control freak more than life not goin' her way" (Eat, Love, Pray by Elizabeth Gilbert)

Happy Birthday, Layla!

...and she came into this world... :D
7 lbs., 6 oz., and 19 inches (?)

another beautiful niece to add to the list of beautiful babies my best friends are popping out ;P

and then some

I don't understand how I can wake up early on a Saturday to get to the gym. Sweat my ass off, then come home and crash the whole afternoon. I feel so non-energetic and immobile in my bed. Where is that energy that the gym is supposed to provide?

So I had this insane craving for Nutella on bread for awhile. Today, I SATURATED that craving and then some by spreading a generous serving Nutella over 3 madelines (buttery cookie-cake yummy stuff), oh and the serving of chocolate ice cream before that.

Now, my lazy ass is in bed, digesting all this chocolate.
At least this moment of weakness / celebration gives me a reason to haul my ass to the gym.

Sweaty and Panting

Doing something motivating, like taking a Spinning class, is pretty euphoric. I feel my best and in my element when I'm drenched in sweat and it's one of those "good" days where you can keep up and the music is just right to keep you going.

I love it because I don't have to worry about how I look since everyone else is sweaty and crazy looking, panting and dripping. All you have to worry about is your posture and your breathing. THAT'S IT. :)

Next (hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday): Upper body. Can't wait for the assisted pull-ups. Not looking forward to the ab workout. ugh. boring.

Can't live with them, Can't live without them

I've found the guy who is down to motivate me to work out and actually go to the gym with me, will out-run me but I can out-bike/out-walk him, motivate me to eat right, cook for me, teach me how to cook, clean way better than me, has more expensive taste than I do (I get it from him), can shop with me and knows my taste... and recently just found out he can yell more than me and louder. Shoot. I thought I was bad. If I raise my voice for no reason most times, it's because of him.

I've met the woman who doesn't tire of shopping, loves to try new food, miraculously pulls out that thing you need from her bag/room, can sew a thrift shop dress into a couture creation, buys things with you in mind, feeds her family, will compliment/criticize without having to think twice, great provider, treats family out to dinner/shopping, gives great bday presents.

They can drive me crazy at times, but I couldn't think of a life without them. That's because without them, I'd have no life. Literally.

Square One

I need to practice what I preach.

You can't please everyone. Yet, why do I still try to?
Don't stress the small things. But, I still do.

Ugh.

This is the whole process of having to constantly work on yourself. Like working out has to be consistent, so does mental training. I think I get confused that I live in a bubble and everything inside this bubble has to be perfect. But, it ain't.

I don't think I have mental peace, and that's my fault. I'm back to square one in trying to control my emotions. For now, I hope to distract myself with as much gym time as I can.

1,2,3,...5,6,7

Just danced through two salsa classes. love it!

So that's three Beginner 1's and two Beginner 1.5's I've taken so far. Can't wait to 'graduate' to Beginner 2, then eventually, it's off to shake my ass to Marc Anthony like it's nobody's business ;)

While I was waiting in the hallway for the class to start, I noticed that dancers (jazz, hip hop, contemporary, etc.) are in a different world when it comes to their time, their environment. I see them walking around with this creative air, without even trying. Their outfits, their fashion, their speech, their faces, their colors! and their overall movement and aura are of a different kind that I wish I could have tapped into in my former life. I was watching them in awe, like a junior high kid who observes the cool high school kids - curious of that world, and secretly wanting to be a part of it sooner than later. I wonder where it would have taken me... Other than being a writer, I would've loved to be one of Janet Jackson's backup dancers in another life. I guess I'll never know - another thought to toss in my pile of "shoulda, woulda, coulda". Sigh. But in the meantime, I'll go ahead with my 1, 2, 3, ... 5, 6, 7.

Welcome, Kelvin, Jr.

:-D

He's heeeeeeere!!

Safety First For Nutty People

I'm tired, but I feel like typing a bunch of nonsense while I wait to be fed and wait for the crankiness to creep up on me from waiting too long to be fed.

Some people are funny. Some have this unnecessary attitude, like the impatient middle-age woman who wants to defy a construction workers instructions to be patient and wait no more than 2 minutes while the gi-normous crane in front of us carries a gi-normous container up 20 stories high. She's dumb bc I'm sure she'll be one of those people who will be the first to open their mouth about a crane accident killing innocent bystanders. And she shakes her head and looks at her watch with a sour, puss-face to the really really nice construction worker who is patiently trying to explain the "safety first" reason behind the very slight hold up. Hasn't the shortness of life already taught you that whatever your rush is, is probably not that serious!?

Just because I felt bad that he had to endure that woman's retardedness, I mouthed a polite 'thank you' to him for just doing his job and caring - even if it was to care about a nutty person like her.

...

Nothing prepares you for the unexpected. I walk around thinking the people near and dear to me are in a protective bubble. At the same time, if there was one thing I was confident about, it was my strength in the toughest situations. But not all situations are the same, and not all leave you with a single, uniform reaction/feeling. I'm not familiar with this feeling and I don't really know how to handle it, but I'll learn. Things could've been worse, but I thank God they weren't and that what is important is still around.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/28/nyregion/28fire.html?_r=1

When you are faced w/ adversity, put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, count your blessings, re-evaluate, don't sweat the small stuff, and start building slowly.

I can now say I know one of the strongest families ever.

If you haven't heard it before, I'll say it again: God is definitely, absolutely, positively Good.

Restless

I am so restless. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish. All good things, but I just don't know where to start! Or which one should precede the other. Or which one has more priority than the other.

To buy or not to buy...

Sooooo.... I think I want to buy (lease) a car =X It's time I replaced the one I retired.

Can I really afford it? Actually, the question is more like: Should I take on that expense when the only reason I want it is for the weekends - beach!! (see previous post), Costco!! Cruisin' on the highways w/ mah shades on heading to fun/relaxing places!!

Ugh, decisions, decisions. Maybe I should just save my money and buy something "smarter". Like, an investment ;) ya know? :)

Vamos a la playa!!

So I decided: I'm going to the beach more often than once this summer. And by myself if I have to, dag-namit! I don't care who is working, who has what going on; I am going with me, myself, and I (& my little cooler). I do NOT want a production out of it, which means not having to drive here-and-there to pick up this-and-that... all before actually hitting the beach. I will pack my cooler from home and go! I want to tan, I want to relax, I want to blast my iPod while on my stomach, and I want to lose myself in a really good book while rockin' mah shades. ;P

Oh, and I want a really cool, light-weight beach chair. yep yep!

Ummm.... one small, minor, miniscule detail: I need to buy a car! I need to replace the one that retired. Public transportation just takes too long and it's such a hassle! Or is it? Maybe I'll buy a car!! :D ... chiiiill.... Hmmm...

Self-Improvement

So I got this amazing mattress that I will love forever and ever. Amen.

Anyway, what I really had on my mind was the fact that I am going to take Salsa Dance lessons! Yay! That's goal #-something. I completed (sorta) my 1st goal of re-taking piano lessons, but that was short-lived due to lack of time and unexpected expenses. But I did take enough lessons to learn an entire new piece - which now I cannot actually say I remember if I no longer have a piano to practice on =P

I'm working on a couple of the other personal goals I've listed for myself :)
It definitely feels good to know you're living your life and doing things for yourself.

Let's see, what else..
I'm seeing more of my girls again since we have 47084957 events this summer, so that's pretty cool. My wardrobe underwent a slight update. I lost a whole size and then I changed jobs, so that means I've been spending (more than I should) on clothes + shoes. I also started to work out at home since I've been officially discharged from Physical Therapy. My knees have definitely improved, and it's probably bc I know which exercises and stretches I should be doing. I still have some more healing to do, but I'll just remember my stretches. I hate crunches w/ a passion, and I'm also doing those while at home. I think I'll be salsa dancing as my cardio before I decide if my knees are up to going back to spinning classes. Although I miss them, I'm sure dance classes are way more fun.

So far, so good... (*crossing my fingers*)


Happy Birthday, Aggie! (June 7)
Happy Birthday, Andrew! (June 8)

The Calm after a Storm

You've heard that saying "I fell in love all over again".
I'm not so sure I want to do that.

Rather, I'd like to have my current love ascend (transform?) into some other level or dimension (galaxy?) that gives me the realization that I, or the love/relationship, or both is maturing and morphing into something else, hopefully, something better.

Think about it...
When you first realize you've fallen in love, and fell hard, the experience is comparable to watching a thunder/lightning storm. It's intense, wondrous, while giving a slight element of fear (from the crackling thunder & flashes of light). But it's that type of fear that keeps your feet planted in place while being in awe of the sights and sounds around you. The torrential rain you see (remember, I said it's like watching a storm, not being in one - being in a storm is a whole different experience that I'm sure we rather stay out of) is almost unbelievable but something about it is soothing as you watch blankets of water pound the pavements and building rooftops. Sometimes, the storm goes by so fast. But when it's over, you say to yourself "that was cool!". It's an experience that you enjoyed.

The closest experience to "falling in love all over again" is when new feelings like selflessness creep up - when you look at the other person and think to yourself of the past, present, and future compromises you've willingly and unwillingly done. When the peace between you becomes romantic and feels like home.

Meditations

-by Marcus Aurelius (a genius)

He has so many life lessons that it makes me dizzy (in a good way).

Check it (if you can actually read through some of this):

"At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: "I have to go to work - as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I'm going to do what I was born for - the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?

-But it's nicer here...

So you were born to feel "nice"? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don't you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you're not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren't you running to do what your nature demands?

-But we have to sleep sometime...

Agreed. But nature set a limit on that - as it did on eating and drinking. And you're over the limit. You've had more than enough of that. But not of working. There you're still below your quota." (Book 5, #1)

"stop being aimless, stop letting your emotions override what your mind tells you, stop being hypocritical, self-centered, irritable." (Book 2, #5)

"Do external things distract you? Then make time for yourself to learn something worthwhile,; stop letting yourself be pulled in all directions. People who labor all their lives but have no purpose to direct every thought and impulse toward are wasting their time - even when hard at work." (Book 2, #7)

"But the man motivated by desire, who is mastered by pleasure, seems somehow more self-indulgent, less manly in his sins." (Book 2, #10)

"You need to avoid certain things in your train of thought: everything random, everything irrelevant. And certainly everything self-important or malicious." (Book 3, #4)

"He does only what is his to do, and considers constantly what the world has in store for him - doing his best, and trusting that all is for the best. For we carry our fate with us - and it carries us." (Book 3, #4)

"Your ability to control your thoughts - treat it with respect. It's all that protects your mind from false perceptions" (Book 3, #9)

"Forget everything else. Keep hold of this alone and remember it: Each of us lives only now, this brief instant. The rest has been lived already, or is impossible to see." (Book 3, #10)

"Nowhere you can go is more peaceful - more free of interruptions - than your own soul. Especially if you have other things to rely on." (Book 4, #3)

"What's there to complain about? People's misbehavior? But take into consideration: that rational beings exist for one another; that doing what's right sometimes requires patience; that no one does the wrong thing deliberately...and keep your mouth shut" (Book 4, #3)

"Things have no hold on the soul. They stand...outside it. Disturbance comes only within - from our own perceptions." (Book 4, #3)

"If you seek tranquility...do what's essential... Because most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you'll have more time, and more tranquility. As yourself at every moment, "Is this necessary?". But we need to eliminate unnecessary assumptions as well. To eliminate the unnecessary actions that follow" (Book 4, # 24)

"And then you might see what the life of the good man is like - someone content with what nature assigns him, and satisfied with being just and kind himself." (Book 4, #25)

"Don't be disturbed. Uncomplicate yourself.
Someone has done wrong...to himself.
Something happens to you. Good. It was meant for you by nature, woven into the pattern from the beginning.
Life is short. That's all there is to say. Get what you can from the present - thoughtfully, justly. Unrestrained moderation." (Book 4, #26)

"A key point to bear in mind: The value of attentiveness varies in proportion to its object. You're better off no giving the small things more time than they deserve." (Book 4, #32)

"So remember this principle when something threatens to cause you pain: the thing itself was no misfortune at all; to endure it and prevail is great good fortune." (Book 4, #49a)

"Not to feel exasperated, or defeated, or despondent because your days aren't packed with wise and moral actions. But to get back up when you fail, to celebrate behaving like a human - however imperfectly - and fully embrace the pursuit that you've embarked on." (Book 5, #9)

"Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself." (Book 5, #33)

To control the Control Freak in me:
"Remember, nothing belongs to you but your flesh and blood - and nothing else is under your control." (Book 5, #33)

When things don't go your way:
"Not to be overwhelmed by what you imagine, but just do what you can and should." (Book 5, #36)

"The best revenge is not to be like that." (Book 6, #6)

"To feel affection for people even when they make mistakes is uniquely human. You can do it, if you simply recognize: that they're human too, that they act out of ignorance, against their will, and that you'll both be dead before long. And, above all, that they haven't really hurt you. They haven't diminished your ability to choose." (Book 7, #22)

"When people injure you, ask yourself what good or harm they thought would come of it. If you understand that, you'll feel sympathy rather than outrage or anger." (Book 7, #26)

"Treat what you don't have as nonexistent. Look at what you have, the things you value most, and think of how much you'd crave them if you didn't have them. But be careful. Don't feel such satisfaction that you start to overvalue them - that it would upset you to lose them." (Book 7, #27)

"And when faced with a choice, remember: our business is with things that really matter." (Book 7, #58)

When trying not to let other people's actions bother/anger me:
"Against our will, our souls are cut off from truth...justice, self-control, kindness... Important to keep this min mind. It wil make you more patien with other people." (Book 7, #63)

For some work places:
"Look at who they really are, the people whose approval you long for, and what their minds are really like. Then you won't blame the ones who make mistakes they can't help, and you won't feel a need for their approval. You will have seen the sources of both - their judgments and their actions." (Book 7, #62)

When dealing with physical pain:
"And keep in mind to othat pain often comes in disguise - as drowsiness, fever, loss of appetite... When you're bothered by things like that, remid yourself: "I'm giving in to pain"." (Book #7, 64)

When thinking of you current situation/life:
"You don't need much to live happily. And just because you've abandoned your hopes of becoming a great thinker or sceintist, don't give up on attaining freedom, achieving humility, serving others, obeying God." (Book 7, #67)

"It's silly to try to escape other people's faults. They are inescapable. Just try to escape your own." (Book 7, #71)

When worrying too much:
"Don't let your imagination be crushed by life as a whole. Don't try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen. Stick with the situation at hand, and ask, "Why is this so unbearable? Why can't I endure it?" You'll be embarrassed to answer. Then remind yourself that past and future have no power over you. ONly the present - and even that can be minimized. Just mark off its limits. And if your mind tries to claim that it can't hold out against that... well, then, heap shame upon it." (Book 8, #36)

When mad at someone:
"Leave other people's mistakes where they lie." (Book 9, #20)

"Everything that happens is either endurable or not. If it's endurable, then endure it. Stop complaining. If it's unendurable...then stop complaining. Your destruction will mean its end as well. Just remember: you can endure anything your mind can make endurable, by treating it as in your interest to do so." (Book 10, #3)

On fate:
"Whatever happens to you has been waiting to happen since the beginning of time...your own existence and the things that happen to you." (Book 10, #5)

"False friendship is the worse. Avoid it at all costs. If you're honest and straighforward and mean well, it shoudl show in yoru eyes. It should be unmistakeable." (Book 11, #15)

To live a good life:
"To live a good life: We have the potential for it. If we can learn to be indifferent to what makes no difference. This is how we learn: by looking at each thing, both the parts and the whole. Keeping in mind that none of them can dictate how we perceie it. It is we who generate the judgements...And we don't have to. We could leave the page blank - and if a mark slips through, erase it instantly." (Book 11, #16)

Some small advice to get you through the annoying things that may pop up:
"You have to know an awful lot before you can judge other people's actions with real understanding." (Book 11, #18v)

"When you lose your temper, or even feel irritated: that human life is very short." (Book 11, #18vi)

"That it's not what they do that bothers us: that's a problem for their minds, not ours. It's our own misperceptions. Discard them. Be willing to give up thinkig of this as a catastrophe...and your anger is gone." (Book 11, #18vii)

To be better human beings:
"We need to master the art of acquiescence. We need to pay attention to our impulses, making sure they don't go unmoderated, that they benefit others, that they're worthy of us. We need to steer clear of desire in any form and not try to avoid what's beyond our control." (Book 11, #37)

"It's time you realized that you have something in you more powerful and miraculous than the things that affect you and make you dance like a puppet." (Book 12, #19)

"Throw out your misperceptions and you'll be fine. (And who's stopping you from throwing them out?)" (Book 12, #25)

"To be angry at something means you've forgotten: That everything that happens is natural. That the responsibility is theirs, not yours. And further... That whatever happens has always happened, and always will, and is happening at this very moment, everywhere. Just like this. What links one human being to all humans: not blood, or birth, but mind." (Book 12, #26)

On your faith:
"People ask, "Have you ever seen the gods you worship? How can you be sure they exist?" Answers:
i. Just look around you.
ii. I've never seen my soul either. And yet I revere it.
That's how I know the gods exist and why I revere them - from having felt their power, over and over." (Book 12, #28)

What's Important.

A quote from a cnn.com reader (name unknown): "All misery comes from attachment. Attachment to things we think are important. Attachment leads to fear of loss, loss leads to anger, anger leads to anything.

Nothing is as liberating as losing all that we thought was important and realizing in retrospect that it wasn't. Take solace in knowing that you have health and that people you love are still alive. The rest is just stuff."

New Job

Interview & photo shoot for a 4-page spread in the firm's internal magazine - DONE.

Sitting 5 desks away from the CEO's office (& saying hello), and right behind the Chairman's office - DONE.

Meeting lots of people and feeling as if you've joined a family - DONE.

Horrified of my ugly picture put on blast in an internal firm-wide email - DONE.

Learning more about the Business in 1 week than I have in 1.5 yrs and actually doing business analysis - DONE.

...all in the 1st week @ the new job.

Life is beautiful

Life is funny, beautiful, and relentless.

There's always experiences that rattle you a bit. These are the experiences that open your eyes to who you are, what you are capable of, and the bravery you exude. It's all about you, but not in the selfish way, more like the selfless way but in another form. You are growing as a human being by becoming a better person. Not in the deeds you do, but in what you LEARN. You learn about your love for someone/your family. You learn to be brave and say things you didn't want to say because it's not what that other person wants to hear. You tread lightly, but you go forward with it. You come out a shaken and relieved at the same time.

You smile. You smile because you just experienced life. No matter how simple, complicated, big, or small, it's life and you experienced it.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!

This long weekend for me is almost over. Shiet. I didn't have the long weekend I expected. I guess I wanted to do more or get more accomplished. It was due to the shitty rain and cold, physical pains/discomfort, plain forgetfulness, and store closures on Sunday.

I can't help but feel a little confused considering most Easters have been with family and attending mass. But these days, family is scattered (it feels like any regular Sunday) and I hate the crowds in the Mass. People who normally don't go on regular Sundays appear for "special Christian occasions". I think that's hypocritical. If you're not going on regular Sundays, then why bother for the special occasions? That's not being consistent. I don't go (anymore) on Sundays or on special occasions - so at least I'm consistent. I like when I go to a Church where the Pastor speaks To you and not At you. Big difference.

I can't complain too much though because I did get to experiment with cooking fish for the first time and it came out amazing! So amazing I ate it all and didn't share. Then I ate a huge brownie from the local bakery here all by myself. Then I went to buy dark chocolate pudding and don't want to share that either. =P

Ok. My life is revolving around food. I even enjoyed grocery shopping this weekend. I'm happy as a clam. :)

Sword-making

The reality of it is:
Everything worth Anything takes time.

Remember how a sharp and solid sword is made:

A swordsmith’s goal was to produce a sturdy... blade to have a far sharper edge and to withstand much greater stress without breaking or staying bent.

A swordsmith had to base it all on his experience of what, as best he could tell, had worked well enough before. A swordsmith needed to carefully forge a blade... so that the blade could flex under sudden impact but resist deformation.

He would shape his metal while red-hot by slowly and repeatedly hammering and re-heating until it was the length, width, and thickness he wanted.

A swordsmith had to skillfully create these shapes, perhaps in some small way improving his design each time by refining his techniques and incorporating new ideas.

When satisfied with the initial shape the swordsmith was far from finished.

A finely crafted sword had to have just the right mix of good steel as well as just the right temper. Heat treatment was the final crucial step that gave the blade its strength and toughness.

To ensure toughness and flexibility the blade would be quickly quenched in either oil or water.

Girl

Girl realizes what she could do with hard-earned money.
Girl acts like girl and becomes a shopaholic.
Girl takes vacations.
Girl furnishes her apartment how she wants to.
Girl realizes all of this is on her credit card.
Girl grows up.
Girl pays off “bad” debt.
Girl gets a handle on her finances after what seemed like an eternity.
Girl becomes a smarter shopper.
Girl spends less.
Girl saves more.
Girl even loses weight (yay).
Girl is smarter now.
Now, Girl just needs to get a handle of her career’s future.
Now, Girl has to work from the inside out (after mistakenly working from the outside in during her early 20s).

HYPER

People like that make you realize that you are nothing! Wait, let me try to explain this one:

You admire someone (talent, philosophy, outlook, etc.) so much (maybe because you'd like to think it mirrors yours or it is something you'd want to achieve) that it gives you this feeling of complete restlessness from just standing still. You feel pure adrenaline of a different kind flowing through your veins because there is something bigger (and better) than little, stressful, insignificant thoughts. It is the "big picture" that you feel. You cannot see it. You just feel it. You know it's there, and you know you want it. You don't know how, who, what, where to start. You scream in your head "WHAT AM I DOING?!". There's something out there waiting for you! This THING. This feeling. It touches and kind of teases you. You don't know what to do with yourself when it does touch you and you don't know what to do with the feeling other than feel anxious and restless and all this is going on IN YOUR HEAD! You want someone to share this with you, to feel what you're feel, but then again, NO. You don't want anyone to invade this. This is all yours for this tiny little moment while it lasts because you know it won't last as the real world takes over again. Here's the thing, REALITY CAN BE WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT IT TO BE. (Hm, it would be cool if someone did share this feeling with you because maybe someone will be the crutch or just give you a really strong, hard PUSH)

You're grateful for the present and all the blessings that come along with it, but moments like this make you want that cosmic change that makes you a BETTER person. Better or Happier? Both? Could be, but I believe there are 'checks and balances'. That's another post, I won't explain that one right now.

You want to do things you've always wanted to do (or things you haven't even given thought about), you want to do it well, YOU WANT TO DO THINGS. You want to FEEL things. Be ALIVE. SOMETHING.

Now, how do I put that LIFE into life?

Presently...

Do you know those moments in life where you KNOW what you have to do, you know what the end-result is (more or less), but you are stuck standing in the same place, completely immobile or waiting for a convenient opportunity/catalyst that will trigger that change which is right, needed, required? Well, I'm at that place. Frozen. For the time-being. Hopefully. I'm just wondering where I'll get the balls to move one foot in front of the other... and call it a day.

[Right now Alicia is helping me distract myself from thinking about this way too much than I already have]

.

Exhausted

It's been awhile, but I'm too tired to write because it's late and I have to go wake up early tomorrow and hope that this week will be truly kind to me, especially since I've already got so much shit going though my head where its actually a melting pot of a lot of emotions and crap, good and bad, cool and sucky and I am just so exhausted from feeling, thinking, doing, listening, analyzing, explaining, absorbing that this post will just be one big run-on because run-ons are cool and I learned that through my unsuspecting niece who wrote like it was a musical crescendo whether she did it intentionally or not but that was the effect I got and that is the current state of my mind, although I took a delicious nap today that sorta kinda felt like it was induced by a horse tranquilizer (which probably was just the pizza) and I had to recover by drinking copious amounts of tea. But really, I hope this week will be truly kind to me.

Starbucks Cup 101

Failure’s hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you’re successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever.

--Po Bronson

Slowing Down

You know, it's the weirdest thing. My handicap of bad knees has turned me into a calmer, more patient person. I know this is one of those blessings in disguise. I rush so much. My life was based on how fast I could walk to my next destination, and after that, to the next destination, and so on and so forth. Now, I rather be the last to get off the train since I have to walk slow because my knees will hurt if I try to move any faster. I was the woman who was standing right in front of the doors so that when they open, I was the first one to shoot towards the stairs. And I knew which set of doors stopped in front of which stairs that led me to the exact exit so I could get places faster. Oh, and I don't know what escalators are bc I'm too busy taking the stairs so I don't have to waste time by standing still. Then again, isn't that a definition of a New Yorker - always on the go: places to go, people to see, things to do.

So back to my patience. Walking slower makes me think more, too. I thought that would be a bad thing, but it actually isn't. I get to practice on my positive and in-the-present thinking. I try not to let the negative and the unknown (i.e. worrying over what I have no control over) clutter my mind. This will always be a work in progress, but at least I now have the opportunity (time) to practice instead of being in this constant rush.

I also now walk/shop with music because, why not, I have all this time and there are still songs in my iPod that I haven't given the time of day. I enjoy being alone in my head. I don't know how long this will last, but for now, I like it. You gotta find the silver lining in the worst of situations (in my case it's my slight limp that prevents me from doing some of the things I enjoy), because if you don't, life - as short as it already is - won't look so sweet, and it will probably feel like it only lasted a few minutes. If you're not convinced, then just think "hey, it could be worse..."

Paris... well, sort of

It's Valentine's.  Break out the hair 'do, diamonds, fishnets, smokey eye makeup, and (because of my obsession to go to Paris) all things New York French: Jacques Torres chocolates, Jean Georges JoJo's.

One day I will fulfill my dream of going to Paris, but for now, the closet thing to it was tonight.

Dinner was amazing and the chocolates will soon meet my hips. Thank you, babe.

 

Shadow of the Wind

-by Carlos Ruiz Zafon


Some quotes before my review:


"Reading...is slowly dying, that it's an intimate ritual, that a book is a mirror that offers us only what we already carry inside us, that when we read, we do it with all our heart and mind, and great readers are becoming more scarce by the day." (pg. 484)


"I like to think that life snatches away our childhood friends for no reason, but I don't always believe it." (pg. 484)


"People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots." (pg. 125)


"If you really want to possess a woman, you must think like her, and the first thing to do is to win over her soul. The rest, that sweet, soft wrapping that steals away your senses and your virtue, is a bonus." (pg. 132)


My review:
I love this story!! It's been awhile that a book has stirred so much emotion and suspense at the same time in me. It's one of those books where I don't mind staying in on a bright Saturday afternoon just to turn the pages and see what unfolds. The anticipation and excitement this book delivers is comparable, to me, to what Dan Brown's Angels & Demons and/or The Da Vinci Code made you feel when you read a Dan Brown novel for the first time, except this one has a bit more passion between the various characters.


The after-math of reading a book this good is like when you have finished devouring one of the best meals you've had in your life. Extremely satisfied, smiling, and slightly already nostalgic - it's like you want more, but then if you had any more than you were offered, you might ruin the ending. So, the ending was in fact perfect.

Halo

"Nothing is set in stone".  "You don't know what tomorrow brings".  "All good things come to an end".  

We don't know how long something good lasts, but all we know is what we feel at that moment.  We know when we crave it during the most chaotic moments in a day.  A different kind of high, a different aspect to comfort.  You recognize the fight within you is only the realization that you are surprisingly selfless, or that you abandon any guard you said you would put up. 

Random moments of stolen, comforting gestures and entanglements. This is not everyday, but is it there? Go outside, only to look in.

Romanticism is not lost in comfortability (urban myth). It's more like peace is achieved - the (inner) peace of mind between two people.  Inner peace is romantic.  Aren't convinced? Who cares (sucks to be you).  A form of clarity is achieved for a duration unknown to you. You knock on wood, you enjoy and live in the moment - even though it's late and you should be sleeping. It's a risk, but are the rewards greater?  Take out the movie moments.  Is there another level of reality that hasn't reached the credits yet (or ever?).  It's yours. It's private. Inevitable disappointments. Compromise. Frustration. Patience. Understanding. Perseverance. Foundation.  Never Perfection - because that's not real.  Sometimes we love relentlessly.  No explanations needed.

"You're playing that song again?? But it's like your 3rd time...but I can't hear the TV"

An Apple, Please

Hello world! That is, Apple world. I am now officially baptized into Tim Cook's world as an official MacBook owner. After years of PCs/Windows giving me problems and constant reformatting, I decided to say "Screw this!" and do something about it. So now am I going to join the SJP cult and bring my lovely uni-body aluminum enclosure to pretentious coffee shops and ponder relationship questions? Am I now going to write the next New York Times Best Seller from my own 13-inch personal space of keys? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know that I am satisfy the unending itch in me to write, and to write well by practice, practice, practice. It's been a long time since blogging something substantial. This is all because PC problems and lack of motivation. Who knew motivation comes from this (beautiful) work of art.

I love my new toy. I'm like a little kid all over again. A MacBook will give the user an entirely different experience than any Windows laptop or Windows OS can. I am a believer now! It's just not my iPod, I'm a fan! I get it! I have joined the Apple cult! BTW, where is the 'end' or 'home' button on this beautifully crafted, illuminated keyboard?

I'm guarding as if no one can touch it (yet), and as durable as it's built, it will be babied and cradled as if it was made out of cotton. Oh boy, I think I have started a small love affair with a piece of aluminum.

The purchasing experience was a short-lived one.
Me: [to Apple sales guy] I want to purchase a MacBook
Him: Blah, blah, blah... something something RAM... blah blah Graphics card ..."
Joaquin: "Is it compatible with .... something something something"
Him: More helpful blah blahs
Me: [Impatiently] Ok. I want it.

My boyfriend, a closet geek who knows his PC hardware inside out, even marvels at the talent Apple has recruited. Maybe he secretly wants a Mac while currently browsing a Nasa computer to compete with my new toy. Maybe he has a techie itch to buy a new computer or he is prepping up to play Diablo 3 with me when it comes out in June. So I turn to him and say "Why don't you just buy an Apple?".