insecure. scared. stress. who me?

I don't know what I'm doing. I know - I'm stressing out a little. A lot. They say the hardest part of grad school is getting in. Now that I'm in, why do I feel like there are more 'hard parts'. I have to take a Quantitative Assessment Exam AFTER I just went through the whole GMAT ordeal. I don't know what is freaking me out more: failure of passing (1st try, 2nd try, 3rd try) or committing myself to deja vu (GMAT-type studying and commitment again!?!?)!

People like to hide their insecurities or just be in total denial. Not me, not anymore. My insecurities are out there for the world to read: Failure. Having to re-take the assessment exam. Re-living the GMAT experience through this assessment exam (oh wait, that's not an insecurity, that's a fear). If I'm freaking out about this tiny thing now, how can I possibly be built for grad school. Being some type of leader in my core group. Contributing ideas, good ideas. Presentations/public speaking! "Tell us something interesting about yourself"....

uhh... Jamlen is James + Helen combined? I can pop my hip out of place?
WOOW. I'm so boring! Boring and Uninteresting. Add that to my list of insecurities lol.

On a funny note: don't ever ask your significant other about what is interesting about yourself, or else the conversation will go like this:
Me: Babe, what's interesting about me?
Him: your ass [as he is playing a first-person shooting game].
Me: NO!! I can't say that to my classmates!
Him: your lips [still playing the game].
Me: not desirable to you! Interesting!
Him: oh. I dunno. Your quirky-ness.

Great. I can see it now: "Hi, my name is Jamlen. An interesting fact about me is that I'm quirky." End of statement. Silence. Confused looks. Great.

Vale

Hola, back from Spain, and here are the highlights:

- TAPAS!
- Wine
- Cortaditos (espresso w/ a little milk)
- Flamenco show
- My love affair with pork
- Gaudi's architecture
- Madrid (sigh...)
- Trying to live like locals in Madrid by going to the supermarket for some of our meals/cheese/water/etc.
- Apparently, when in Spain: drink wine or cervesita (small beer), have lots of cafe, eat small frequent meals, no sneakers, and smoke cigarettes (bc everyone seems to)

Pictures: click here

Day 1 - Madrid
Landed in Madrid and took Metro to our hotel, Husa Moncloa. Actually had Starbucks because it was our hotel's neighbor and we were tired from the overnight flight. Went to Parque de Retiro but took a detour to find Citibank for euro withdrawal. Stumbled upon Puerta Del Sol. Had churros dipped in hot chocolate at San Guines. Unexpectedly bought three pairs of shoes @ "Vas". Shoes made in Spain for cheap. Happy. Walked to Plaza de Santa Ana and had Iberico ham (now I understand why it's so expensive), chorizo iberico, fresh octopus (pulpo) salad, and tortilla patatas. Washed it down with Sangria. Expensive, but delicious. Pick pocketers tried their chance with Aggie's bag, but thankfully, no luck. She caught them. Needed a nap. When in Spain, might as well take a siesta. Refreshed after our nap. Cortes de Ingles department store and supermarket (similar to Macy's and Walmart combined) is right next to our hotel. Yes! Off to Plaza Mayor. Old Madrid is BEAUTIFUL. Sat down to people watch. Ate gelato while on our way to Palacio Real. It was closed by Aggie took a video of a marching band rehearsing inside the gates. Sat in Cafe Descha Santa Maria while the drizzle passed. Cheese tapas and cafe - why not. Decided to have dinner at a local neighborhood called La Latina at Cava Baja. Perfect for tapas hopping. Kinda like lower east side and all the different restaurants and bars. Wine and more cheese at Diaz y Larrouy, then off to Taberna Los Lucio for huevos clasicos (fries w/ "scrambled" eggs), anchovies and avocado salad, and wine. Oh. My. Goodness. Delicious.

During the day, stumbled upon other places: Mercado de San Miguel, Plaza de la Villa (oldest building in Madrid), and the bronze sculpture of a bear and a strawberry tree (symbol of Madrid).

Day 2 - Madrid
Bullfight in Plaza de Toros Las Ventas - what we did not get to see. They weren't offering shows that particular day. After taking pictures in front of the stadium, we hopped back on the train to visit the Prado museum. After that, time to $hop. Oh boy. Our 4th pair of shoes (each), and one blazer later, we set off to watch our first Flamenco show at Casa Patas in the birth place of the Flamenco dance.

Day 3 - Madrid
We were done with "tourist" stuff, so we decided to visit the legendary Cafe Gijon (opened in 1800s, familiar with famous writers, artists, actors, etc). Coffee turned into a leisure lunch of gambas with garlic oil and some wine, then some more cafe. When in Spain, smoke a cigarette...

Walked around Plaza de Espana (similar to Union Square). Discovered Cortes de Ingles supermarket is like our second home :)

Day 4 - Barcelona
Landed in Barcelona. Hungry. Went to Las Ramblas to go to St. Josep's Market for lunch but it was closed. Went to Cerveceria Catalana. Found out "Andalusian style" means fried. Left to take pics of Gaudi's Casa Batilla and Casa Mila. Stumbled onto Barri Gotic and Placa Reial. People-watched in the Placa Reial square with tapas and Claras (beer w/ lemon).

Day 5 - Barcelona
Strolled in Port Vell. Beautiful day and fun pics. Best paella ever at Can Manel by the beach. Surfers and palm trees by the coast. Polished off the paella with 1/2 a bottle of vino blanco. Walked to Parc Guell to see more of Gaudi's creations. Steepest hill climb I've done, but worth it. His architecture is amazing! Stopped at Cacao Sampaka (sweet shop owned by Albert Adria) for chocolate tasting and coffee before touring the inside of Casa Mila. Dinner at a local place by our hotel: mussels, clams, octopus, bacalau, yuummmm...

Day 6 - Barcelona
Leisure day with some window shopping and sidewalk cafe visits. Didn't get to see the Fuente Luminosa at Monjuic (aka Magic Fountain) because it was rainy and windy by nightfall. Oh well. It was Spain's national holiday so 90% of Spain was closed. Tapas 24 for lunch and dinner (chef is Carles Abellan, trained at El Bulli). Best tapas in Barcelona. Ready to go back to NYC. Adios Espana y gracias.

I Got In!!

I got in to NYU Stern School of Business for my Grad school, starting Spring 2011! :D

I never get into my reach schools. Until now. EEeeeeeeee!!

Bye Bye

My parents left. Booo. I go through this every time they leave - I have a ritual: I come back to an empty, quiet apartment, and I have two (ok, maybe five) minutes of sad-time, then I'm done. Sigh.. the kitchen will be dark, the living room quieter, until next year again.

Anyway, wanted to share something I read:
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — M.M.

Classical times

Chopin, Bach, Khachaturian... blasting their music to see if that relaxes me.

I really hate when I get like this. Irritated. Worried. Anxious. I'm all cloudy in the head. I think this is called stressing out. So much to do/think about at work that I'm super hard on myself.

After classical music, on to Psalms. Here we go...

Freedom of Religion

Now I understand why I don't get involved in politics and why I am not some demonstrator/protester who gets super passionate about issues that affect our society/economy/nation/world... it's because there are too many stupid, ignorant mofo's out there that will make me a hateful person. I get so angry when people blame an entire religion for the actions of a group of people. Every religion has their group of crazies. People waste their saliva and protest the religion of Islam from being practiced, all because of Muslim terrorists responsible for 9/11. But how about the many many Christian men who rape 5 year old girls? Where are those protests from building a new Christian church every so often? Even families of 9/11 victims are supporting whatever will promote peace, including building a new mosque. Religion (not terrorists) promotes some sort of peace for some people. So please, let that be.

Some people need to respect the Freedom of Religion. Some people need to wake the fuck up because they divide us using the only thing that can unite us.

I am Christian, my nephew is Muslim. I am proud and grateful for so many reasons those ignorant people will never be able to understand. Peace and Love.

Finally! A Vacation!

I'm Going To SPAIN!! Wa-la-la-la-la-la!!

Not a day goes by that I don't think about it! 34 days left!

She did it again

I'm trying to read the classic Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen and I just can't get into it. Maybe I'm not a classy type of reader anymore. Maybe I like the cheesy vampire love stories (no, I like the cheesy vampire love stories).

Anyway, she does it again. My niece 6 years my junior has inspired me to no end. Sigh. If I were to repeat life again, I'd do it her way.

Procrasination

I'm relying too much on procrastination to be my saving grace. The worst part is that I actually believe it.

There are people who have to plan plan plan organize organize organize and be the person that does everything ahead of time. Paper due Friday? No problem, I'll have it done by Tuesday! Then there are people who do the paper Thursday night and some of Friday morning before handing it in. I'm ALWAYS the former. However, these days, I'm acting like the latter is second-nature to me. Bummer.

Friday

I feel like I was shot with a horse tranquilizer. On a Friday night. Grrreat.

I just took a look at some Business School applications and it's making my head spin. I don't even know what I'm reading. I blame it on the horse tranqs. Leave it up to me to start looking at applications on a Friday night @ 10:30pm. I've partied enough, now it's time to get a little serious.

On another note, some coworkers and I did some volunteer work in the Ronald McDonald House on the upper east side. Let me tell you: it's truly amazing how many people in this nation simply GIVE. Everything, from the "house" (an 84-room "hotel" for families with children getting treated for rare cancers) to the liquid soap, is funded from the kindness of donations/charity. There are people in this world, both billionaires and the working-class, that really care. I see myself going back there on my own to help in any way.

Time for a happy post

It's about time. I took my GMAT and did well enough to begin applying to Business School to get my MBA. Apply - Yes. Actually go - Only time will tell. No more studying for this stupid test. Maybe that's why I'm a happier person, I have my life back!

Good things always happen. However, extra good things have happened this month. I think, considering my homebody lifestyle, I partied like a rock star this past month. I can't keep up with the under 25 yr old crowd, but its pretty fun with the right people.

An impromtu girls night out @ Hiro, followed by 4am breakfast.
VIP at Pacha. Taking Patron shots with my family. Seeing my older brother party harder than me, my freshly-turned 21 year old nephew boogie on the dance floor, seeing Joaquin's mom and aunt dance the night away :) oh yeah, and Patron shots with them. Then, there's the 6am breakfast and 730am bedtime. Good times. Takes a toll on my sleep, gives me slight headaches, and I probably have bags under my eyes, but as long as it's once in awhile, the experience outweighs the exhaustion.

Speaking of lack of sleep, another thing causing me to sleep less is Lost. I can't stop watching it!! Sleeping at 1am on a work night because of this show is hardly restful sleep.

I also got a nook! Another sweet thing about not studying for an exam is that I get to read books again!

Summer is here, full-time, and so is my A/C. I didn't go to the beach last summer except once. I wonder if that's going to repeat this summer.

I. Am. Going. To. Europe. This. Year. I need this.

I was called a leopard today - because I was rare. Interesting :)

By C. Diaz

"Having children changes your life drastically, and I really love my life. Children aren't the only things that bring you gratification and happiness, and it's easier to give life than to give love.

That's how I feel.

The experience of growing older is that you become more introspective. You learn who you are and what you want. When you're in your 20s, you have no idea what the hell's going on or who you are or how the world works. Wisdom is really underrated. We are obsessed with youth, with physical youth, what we look like and what happens t our bodies as we get older. We forget what happens to our souls, our minds, and our actual human experience."

She has a point there.

a little bit of this, a little bit of that

OK, so i know that life is not about how much you make or how many material things you acquire (but sometimes, it's nice to have a couple of DVF dresses in your closet). I'm not sure exactly what I want to say in this post, but it might go something like this.

It's the people in your life that make your life. Your decisions have a lot to do with it, but if you really think about it, it's the people. The people you choose to keep around you will open you up to new experiences, challenge you, test you, make you smile, make you laugh (even better), make you think, and go through shit with you. So you look back and remember, either alone or together, about this-or-that moment and it's a memory shared. Every get-together with my girls, there's at least one story/memory from the past brought up that becomes the topic of conversation for a few minutes. Even sharing a glass of wine is better with someone you want around. Having that person (friend, family, significant other, etc.) is why most people would rather not dine alone or go to the theaters alone - because it's nice to share the experience with someone, because everyone else around them shares experiences. Of course, the occasional lunch by yourself is calming and comforting - and that's all good once in awhile.

Another thing that boggles my mind is my ability to think or over-think. Sometimes I wonder if I'm thinking too much into certain things. What if I just let it be and see where it takes me? Then another part of me wants, thinks I should be the catalyst of my destiny. All this is confusing. It's like a broken traffic light turning red-green-red-green every few seconds.

You know that saying that some parents say "you can be anything you want to be"? Really? Can I? Can I, like, be the next food network star? sure - but I'd have to know my shit around the kitchen. I'm not even sure what my point is here. I think it's that I, and most of the world's population, would like things handed to them: happiness, success, and money. But.. it's not handed to us. We have to grind. Work hard for it. Some people just work. Others work hard, and it's probably those people that, once in awhile, get to wake up on a beautiful sunny, cool and breezy Monday to shop, eat at a nice restaurant, and catch a matinee with a good friend.

Everyone.

Everyone, I mean EVERYONE, seems to be getting married/engaged this year! Did I miss the memo? ;)

Congratulations!

bleh

I just feel so defeated. I haven't felt like this in a long time.

The world won't end, but I'm so hard on myself. Then again, that kind of attitude got me where I am today. I just have to get a grip on myself and my emotions, once again. I feel like I'm learning how to walk again. The only support & comfort that will work is the one I already have: myself.

The reality of it all, the lesson learned in this: You may have all the love and support of your friends and family, but if you don't have within you what it takes to get right back up when you fall, then nothing else will permeate.

Another huge lesson in this: You never stop learning, even re-learning the things you already learned.

Damn, I need to start posting some happy posts!! word up.

Time, lack of

When you have no time, there's just no time. Kinda sad, actually. There are those small things I used to enjoy. Things that really don't matter, yet only I know about them. I don't have time for those small things anymore because (I think) I'm going in the general direction towards the next chapter of my life. I sound like a drama queen and it irks me just to use the phrase "the next chapter of my life", but I can't think of anything better at the moment. I know I should be doing something else other than blogging because even blogging became one of those things I don't have time for anymore.

Sometimes, most times, I feel like I should be somewhere other than where I currently am. I'm talking about a physical location. I think it's that time again: when I see an airplane in the sky and all I could think about is wish I was on that plane.

Ever finished something (that you never thought you would be revisiting) in the past only to find yourself repeating it years later? Yeeeaah.. I don't know how I feel about that. It's not a bad thing, but I'm having selfish thoughts. In the end, I wonder which side will succumb. Only time will tell, which means more time for having no time.

Please no running

"Just don't sweat it... smart people always worry about something because they have a heightened sense of right from wrong, as well as "am not" and "should be".

In a span of two seconds, 3 different things ran through my mind on what I should be doing and what I'm not doing - all to obtain a sense of productivity for the day. Ay ay ay... Chiiiiill....

Feels like I'm running, when I should be walking.

Weekend blessings

I'm supposed to be studying. I will get back to that in a minute after I write something that is on my mind.

In the past (and will most likely find myself struggling with it in the future), I freak out when it's Saturday night or Sunday. It's because it means its closer to Monday; time for work. Don't get me wrong, I like my job (a lot), but I feel like weekends are so short and there's not enough time to do the things I want and need to do. However, that's all going to change. I noticed that I will miss out on my weekend by worrying about Monday. Monday will happen to matter what. I need to enjoy my blessings now... even if I am not off to some exotic island or fabulous European destination (I'll eventually get there). Just the other night, I enjoyed time with my family at my sister's house for a delicious dinner. Before that, I enjoyed a nice stroll in Midtown East to kill time (waiting for hair appointment), enjoyed the weather, and picked up frozen yogurt to eat on my way home. Then today, I get to relax and be productive at home (chores, to-dos, study, etc.). Not boring; just not traveling. Having someone at home with me who actually wants to be home with me is another blessing.

So now, when someone asks me how was your weekend, I will say "It was pretty good!... just too short."

That reminds me, #43: No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

Superwoman

If I feel like superwoman from having a busy, tough, and productive day, which ended in soreness and exhaustion, then single working parents are heroes. I don't know how they do LIFE PLUS a CHILD(ren). Go them.

So much to do, so much to think about. I find myself having to actually write down that I have to cut my fingernails just so I could remember things like that among all the other chaos going around and in my head. I need a vacation.

2012

I just finished watching "2012". Do people really believe the world will end or something really bad will happen? 20 minutes after the movie ended, I opened up the bible and it-so-happened that I stumbled across Genesis 8:21-22 (The Flood) - The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done. As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease.

I've always believed in His word. Why stop now.

[edit]
So I hear we're going to go through a great big fire... I guess I'll have to keep reading the bible to see if that's really true.