MBA. Done. Finally. Whaaaaaaat!

These are bigger statements than they appear to be:  I am finished with grad school. I have earned my 60 credits for my MBA. I am a NYU Stern School of Business graduate.
Last class was August 6, 2013.

Wow.
Finally.
Hoooo-fuckin-ray!!!

During the 2.5 years of doing a part-time business school program and working full-time (plus going to the gym and having a life), I developed gastritis. My gastroenterologist said it's due to stress. I sprouted more gray hair and I neglected my blog and forgot to water plants at home.  Now that I'm done, people have said I look like I lost weight after I completed my MBA. Um, yeah, it's called losing pounds of stress. My smile is bigger. I feel happier. My brain is completely altered in ways I didn't expect.

So what did I learn?

1. I learned that determination means there are no excuses. If you want to do something, DO IT. Period. You'll surprise yourself what you are capable of. One of my professors said to learn from the struggle more than the solution. Boy, did I struggle. 
2. Follow what you enjoy. If you don't, life will feel shorter. If you are en route to discovering what you enjoy, keep at it. See #1.
3. My expectations in the beginning were different from what I ended up with. In other words, I went in expecting one thing, but came out learning something completely different. I'm not talking about learning content (sure, I learned a lot of that, too), but I learned something about myself. There's a confidence you gain in the process.
4. This is a big freaking accomplishment! The struggle and sacrifices remind you of it.
5. The support of family and friends helps. Big time. So does working out/staying active.

And what now? In no particular order:

• Read more books, especially ones that aren't assigned from a syllabus
• Cook my meals
• Rest
• Product Manager
• Take cooking classes
• How about taking a mixed martial arts class? Something like jiu jitsu?
• Appreciate stillness and quiet
• Travel more
• Reconnect with the people who understood my hectic schedule
• Think more about #2 above
• Blog again?
• Help people (random, I know)

What happened all the years/months I didn't blog?
So much. So much that I cannot possibly cover them now. Maybe soon. :)

Bad Day

I don't know where to start.  How about I just got the urge to put some decent clothes on and go to a bar by myself, preferably one I can take the train to/from, and drink my Friday night blues away. Why? Because on top of a shitty day, I set the smoke alarm off and had a disaster with the oven. I just wanted to make chocolate cake from scratch!! Stupid spring foam pan had a leak.  So guess what went in the garbage... all of it - cake batter plus the pan. Oven ruined (not really, needs a good cleaning and I guess this is a good excuse to finally do that), balcony has been invaded with pigeon poop (Daaaaaad!! Helllppp!), and my 'determination' and 'wise-ness' in situations aren't always kick-ass when it makes me feel like caca.

And O.M.G. is it tough adjusting from always being with someone to being alone. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, it's freakin' lonely! It's something I'm not used to. I guess now I have no choice but to get used to it (hence, my Friday night baking fiasco. There's chocolate powder all over me and my kitchen. I probably inhaled it. Wait, shouldn't that be good?). It's not healthy to rely on someone like that. So please don't judge me and just give me time.  I'll eventually get there. Where's chronic when you need some.

Back to my bar idea. It's not even 9pm on a Friday. But if I go, I will just spend money that I should be saving, and I'll ingest bad calories to a week that I've been religiously and happily pushing myself at the gym. All that hard work for a few hours of self-pitying?  No thanks. I think I'll just drink my dark chocolate almond milk, shower and get into bed. What am I? 5 years old?  Ha, I wish! Life was easier back then. I'll start off a new day tomorrow with an overdue manicure and pedicure then head to the gym for the 6th day this week and take my frustration out there. 

Dear God, thank you for all the love I have in my life, my better-than-I'd-thought-I'd-do midterm exam grade, and for my safety with all those crazies on the subways/streets, and for beauuutiful weather. Everyday is a blessing. Thank you.

Meet "Blue".

What every woman living on her own without a car should have: a granny cart! Well, I don't know the real name of it but I searched for it on amazon.com with "covered cart". On a trip to Target or supermarket it will hold all your shit. I mean, I love an opportunity to work out my biceps and such but there are times when it just gets plain 'ol annoying and ridiculously uncomfortable to carry all those bags! I bought 5 different kinds of hair products, a bushel of bananas, bulky cleaning supplies, those "5 for $8" deals (so naturally I got 5 of something I don't need 5 of), and a freakin Swiffer wet jet! The cart I shall call "Blue" (yes, he is now part of the family) held all of that and then some (if I had bought some more). It has pockets on the front and back in case you stop by your mailbox and don't know where to put all the mail that you didn't pick up for three days - because, who the heck would mail you anything? And it's super light when its empty. So light sometimes it levitates (no joke) when I speed walk my way to Target. It's durable, too! Ain't he just lovely?

Protein Shake

No really, this one is about a protein shake. Not a really a "real" review because I don't really know what I'm talking about nor do I really get into it.  I am using the word "really" a lot. So I'm going to stop now and you can watch the video. Peace out cub scouts!

If that embedded link doesn't work, there's always YouTube: http://youtu.be/kZHkC3hlxvM

Video blogging? Testing 1, 2, 3...

Try something new with this video blogging thing. If the embedded image doesn't play, try this: http://youtu.be/K-vZ-VWHtwA

Thanks!

Nerd mode

I feel like a very cool nerd right now.  Because of school, I was able to figure out how much my monthly payments for my graduate student loan needs to be in order to repay the balance + interest in x amount of years. And I cannot believe I'm back on the student loan re-payment trail. It will take me over 4 years to repay my loans?! Unless I sell my body and it will take me 2 years or less (depending how much I charge).

OK, for a tiny bit nanosecond I appreciated going through the hell I get in my finance classes.  Let me just reiterate the fact that I never once took a finance class in my life until I came into graduate school (NYU!) -- in conclusion, I'm learning all about finance in an advanced, accelerated, steroid-induced pace.

Warning:

I'm back to school. 

Holy shitballs it's back to long days, stressful thoughts, weekends - oh wait, what weekends. Do you know how much discipline I require just to pay attention to the professor? I'm so distracted, and usually over dumb shit, or something perverted - no, not with the professor.

I apologize in advance to those who feel the wrath of my crankiness, bitchiness, and confusion (i.e. I might ask you to explain something to me 3x and I will still not get it and probably won't ask for a 4th explanation until next week or something).

Sometimes, I feel like bursting out in tears like a 2 yr old experiencing a tantrum. But, I come back to reality...

Janet Jackson said it first

"I get so lonely..."

Today, I felt lonely. There, I said it.

It's like those days when I just want to say "I hate today". I'm alive, healthy, and loved so I feel there's a small amount of guilt that comes along with saying I'm lonely or I hate today. However, I know it's perfectly fine to feel those things and not fear God will shake His head in disapproval. I love that I'm blessed with so much but I think it's OK to say you hate certain days for the way it makes you feel or for the fact you let it make you feel a certain way. And, and, and.. it's perfectly fine to feel a certain way and not always have to have a solution.  Just. Feel.

So, yeah, I hate today, er, I mean I'm feeling lonely.

Relax yourself, girl, please settle down

Why can't I just settle down with anyone?  I mean, not just anyone, but you know what I mean... I could've just gotten married with the first one that came along and that would've been it.  Then, there are people in your life who do some type of intervention whether you want it or not. They tear your blinders off, take an unbiased position, have your best interest at heart, and are so wise beyond my years that they say these things that make me feel as if I still having growing up to do. At one point I did say we constantly improve ourselves and never really stop learning, blah blah blah. Well, here it is for me, summarized to my own understanding and application.

You've worked so hard to get some sort of stability. Stability isn't established right away.  As a matter of fact, it took someone 16 years (even after raising a family, even after his children are grown) to finally feel stable.  Stable, in his mind, was knowing no matter what happens his family will be well taken care of one way or another. Decide for yourself what stability means for you, but I have my own definition. When faced with a decision that could compromise the stability you've worked so hard to achieve, are you willing to sacrifice that? How important is it to you and how fast do you want it? Be patient? Search for it elsewhere? Bleh.

Butterflies. No, not the winged insects. Feeling butterflies is the chemical reaction your body experiences when adrenaline is released into your bloodstream due to something that excites you. The butterflies you first feel in a relationship are a novelty. This means it wears off overtime. Sure, they will pop up now and then, but for the most part, things change and other things come to the forefront and become more important. Think of what will be important to you when the butterflies wear off or the chemical reactions come few and far between, because that is what you're going to carry you on throughout the years together.

The older and the wiser seem to know what they are talking about. 

P.S. The title is from the song "Electric Relaxation" by a Tribe Called Quest - back in the days, when rap/hip hop was better than what we hear these days.

Strange

Strange how a few yoga positions can put you on your ass. Strange how a few words from someone can also put you on your ass.

What is right and what is wrong? And who gets to dictate which one is which?

The weekend

I feel like my mental and emotional state of mind is a little (sometimes a lot) schizophrenic. This entry is a little confusing because I'm not even sure what I'm typing about. Instead, let me ramble on about random weekend stuff.

Friday/Saturday:
I feel like my mind is all over the place. So restless. So indecisive and sometimes, so... retarded.

Ever think of someone who drives you bat shit crazy but end up realizing this is somehow a blessing. Some days, I feel completely lost but I know there has to be a grand plan. There always is. Just gotta be patient to let it unfold. I have a ton of insecurities, but  I'm one determined woman, in the best and worst ways. Also, being alone and being lonely are two different things. I'm learning to be alone, and sometimes it's refreshing/peaceful/needed and sometimes....not. 

Another adjustment: having no one to turn to just to say "I really really like the Dodge Dart commercials".  Sending a text is too tiresome and then you have to explain what the commercial is and I'm not doing that via text. Calling is similar - you run a chance of the person not knowing what commercial you're referring to and explaining it versus watching it doesn't have the same effect. They'll probably just say "oh.", and then you just want to hang up the phone after that because you really didn't want a full-on convo. You only wanted to say that one line "I really really like the Dodge Dart commercials", and have them know exactly what you are talking about.

Random thought: Spartacus Season 3 is back on and I'm watching so many good-looking, sweaty shirtless gladiators on screen. Mm! (there goes that extra testosterone from my workouts)

Sunday:
Quiet Sunday mornings are nice. I'll wake up at my own time and have the freedom to watch Food TV for awhile since I don't have to worry about school yet. Then I get to making breakfast. What's for breakfast? I think about what I did and ate the day before: A good workout with heavy weights, yoga, muscles are sore in new places, and I ate fairly well.  So, I'm going to load up on protein in the morning to continue "feeding" my muscles, have some carbs to fuel my errand-filled day, and treat myself to my version of a latte since I really just like my coffee black.

Crap! I have a leak under the kitchen sink and I have no clue where it is coming from. OK, this is one of the things that I don't want to deal with - where having someone else to deal with it is much easier than figuring it out on your own. For now, I'm putting an old pot there and moving on.

Random fact about me:  I don't like dijon mustard. It actually puts me in a really bad mood if I taste too much of it. So, why do I keep trying to make marinades and dressings with it? Do I want to be in a bad mood? Or do I just want to justify spending $4 on a bottle of dijon mustard because I keep seeing Ina Garten (see below) from the food network use it?

I love when I wake up to a clean apt and it smells good from the flowers/oil diffuser/candles/cleaning products. A clean apt = a calmer mind. Not complete calm, just calmER.

Oh, and I'm buying myself flowers now. This way, I put them in different areas around the apt to give some life and something pretty to look at when you least expect it.

"I believe in the sun even if it isn't shining. I believe in love even when I am alone. I believe in God even when He is silent." -forgot who said this, but I like it.

Opa!

How do you know if you ate bad cheese? Especially when cheese in general is confusing and some smell spoiled but are really delicious. Or just the fact that cheese is curdled (kinda like spoiled?) milk. I, the genius, decide to get feta cheese - feta cheese from Costco nonetheless. So it's this BIG wholesale-size block of feta cheese that could feed an entire Greek family. Opa!  I hear it's the healthiest one and it has that natural saltiness to it already. Did I mention I live on my own and have no one else to feed but myself, who is now the proud owner of all this cheese? So I either have a big block of spoiled feta cheese or a big block of feta cheese that tastes funny on its own. Either way, it was $8 and someone is going to eat all that cheese.  Hmm, my stomach is feeling funny...

Selfish

Do you ever feel like you do more than the other person (whether it is a friend, spouse, bf/gf, etc.)? As if you put in waaaay more effort than is being returned? Maybe effort is not the word, maybe it's consideration or thought. Even small things matter. "It is better to give than to receive". Bleh. If you keep giving and receive not-as-much, the scales are unbalanced and so will be your mood. My eyebrows crease in the middle and I immediately think "why am I doing this for so-and-so if no one will think of doing that for me?".  Yes, that's a selfish moment for me. So what. I'm selfish. There, I said it. But dang it, I give so much more than I can't begin to justify it, nor will I. This quote is perfect:

"But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas present for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else." (-Eat, Pray, Love)

ANYWAY...
Last night was my last class and final presentation of Business Communication, aka, public speaking.  Being nervous the whole day drains me. I fell asleep for an hour with the candle on. Smart. For the next 2.5 weeks, I'm class-free. There are so many things I can do for myself! I'm going to start by reading a magazine and taking a nap. Whoa, watch out, I better not have too much fun now.

Remember, they're baked...

I like when I'm inspired. To do what? I'm not sure. I always doubt myself but when I get that moment of bravery, I like to think I actually do something about it, seize the day, or... just eat an entire big bag of potato chips. I just did. In one sitting.

They're baked chips, though. I know, I'm not supposed to eat the entire big bag. Hey, I can leg press 400 lbs., what's your excuse?  Did I mention they are baked?

So, what's the purpose?

One of my bff's inspired me to keep blogging.  About what?  I don't have a real purpose for people to read my ranting and quirky thoughts. Maybe for entertainment.  Then, she said I write about shit that people can relate to.  Hmm..

While on the topic of purpose... the purpose of my blog was questioned and it hit me that it's not only about "here's how I'm learning how to live on my own at 30".  I also want to somehow show other women that you don't have to be afraid to be on your own if that's the situation you find yourself in or want to be in. Hey, don't get me wrong, this "I'm an independent woman, hear me roar" phase isn't going to last for me, nor should it. I'm simply saying that a woman should be able to live on her own and take care of herself (this is what I'm going through). More importantly, have the peace of mind to do it. I don't want to be alone for a long time. I want to start thinking about buying a home and having the option of raising a family one day. Not because it's the norm or it's "that time", but because I'm realizing what I want, what I don't want, and what I am still not sure about.

So, what are the things I go through that some people can relate to?
Well, things have changed if you've been following me since the 2004 inception of my blog.

• School. I'm sure I'll bitch about how I never have enough time and my life feels like one big RUSH between a full-time career and part time business school. Funny thing is that my time isn't competing with raising a family. I may not be responsible for a small human being's life and development, but damn, business school sure does come to a close second when you've been out of school for almost 8 years before jumping back in.
• Working out. It's changed me a little and a lot. If you take out school from the equation, I'd be a gym rat. I'm sure I'll tell you my struggles and share my accomplishments because if it's not on your mind already, it should be - and it's this: You should want to feel healthy - not just for yourself, but also for those you love and for those that you have yet to love. Working out will be the only stress outlet that won't piss you off or talk back. You will struggle. Motivation and good eating habits are not only part of the struggle, but are the main ones to conquer before you get anywhere. You will struggle again. You'll fall off the wagon, but most importantly, you and only you will haul yourself back on. In the end, you'll feel amazing, full of energy, and so so good about yourself. That's an actual promise.
• Relationships.  Hmm... touchy, touchy.  How much do I want to share?  It's like the saying 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a a tootsie roll tootsie pop'.... the world may never know. I guess you have to make frequent visits and find out.

And I have to stop typing. As always, there's something else in need of my time. Tonight is school work.

Me, Myself, and I

I got it!  Going forward, maybe my entries will be about learning how to live on my own. At 30.

I'm living by myself after about 10 years of living with a fiance/boyfriend, 4 years of living with college roomies, and 16 years of living with parents. I gotta tell ya', so many annoying things that you have to learn on your own. What do you mean I have to change the vacuum bag on my own? I have to go outside the balcony in 50mph hurricane winds to tie down a fly-away screen?

Waaaaah!

Ready for my funny and emotional re-discovery of what I can do and what I cannot do but will try doing (and sometimes in tears)?