The Ugly

Cheat meal turned into cheat day. Horrible hormonal day - no sleep, no control. Had Joe chasing me because I was eating something bad every 5 mins. I cried while licking a spoonful of peanut butter. I found cookies he purposely hid from me and ripped open the bag and had two! He tried to stop me but every chance I got I went crazy. He saw the ugly side of my lack of control. I thought about locking myself in the bathroom w all the junk and he can no longer take them from me. He ended up throwing away what he could (unless I ate it all). I blame it on the no sleep and work stress. I say with 7 weeks out I can't be pulling that shit anymore. I am craving bad stuff and the case of the "fuck its" are trying to peak through. I'm battling with it - trying to ignore it. I don't know what happened. Killer Mood swings. I see-saw between motivation and resignation.

Praises

After getting through every workout session I give thanks to God. All things were and are possible through Him.

Hard. Freakin. Day.

Today is hard. No, today is tough. Weights felt heavier so I went lighter. Energy is down. Sleep is lacking. Identity stolen (fraudulent credit card activity). Attitude is in full swing. But it's fine. I'll have hard days and good days. Just today is hard. I tried to make today better than yesterday and I think I did. I think today is better than yesterday because my work ethic is still intact. I swear it's only through the grace of God I am able to complete my workouts. The mental battle is ridiculous!

JVA

He is my spotter in every sense of the word. I have to keep up my end of the bargain to keep inspiring him to do his best. This is good and enough motivation to get me through the longer cardio session this morning. Geez, this fitness challenge is 90% mental.

Hon',

I love you. I love you for just being on the other end of my text msgs as I text you play by play workouts so that I keep myself in check, and so that you keep me in check. Thank you.

Remember when I was crying in the car and said "I want to quit". Thank you for holding my hand then and throughout. Thank you for not letting me quit. I love you.

Thank you for taking numerous Costco trips with me - sometimes by foot, sometimes on a week night ... all without a car. Sometimes, walking in the rain with $300 worth of bulk groceries.

Thank you for being the human dish washer while I prepped meals for hours, for ironing my clothes while I prepped meals in the kitchen.

Thank you for biting into a delicious off-limits-for-me treat and faking the funk with the comment "it tastes nasty". We both know it tastes mmm mmm good.

For the tough love and iron fist when I need it. For hiding ALL snacks because I suck at being disciplined at times. Thank you.

On another note, I couldn't ask for a better weekend. Conquering life while w your loved one is the best.

What do you WANT?

When it becomes overwhelming Joe asks me what do you WANT to do... Sometimes, I should act upon the "wants" instead of the "needs" because sometimes, those "needs" CAN actually wait.

Shut up.

Today is hard. Mentally. I stick to my workouts and diet - not a single bite/nibble/taste of something not on my meal plan. I was good. Angelic, even. I killed all my workouts and didn't skip cardio. I drank 1.5 gallons of water as I was told to do (today, I already polished off a gallon before noon). But I took a look at the mirror this morning and I wasn't happy. My lower abdomen looks puffy, making my waist look bigger. As if I did worse than last week. I was supposed to get my period this week but missed it (although, irregular periods are normal for me). Also, for reasons unknown to me I didn't sleep well this week. But I felt good during my workouts.

All these questions run through my mind: Was it my Sunday cheat meal? Was it my change in menstrual cycle? Was it the weather? Was it lack of sleep? Was it because I've been chewing sugar free gum and just saw it has a small amount of carbs (that add up)?
With all that said, my thoughts need to shut up for a moment.

Ben & who?

Walked by free ice cream at work (Ben & Jerry's!) and stuck my face close to it.... And didn't want any. A happy coach, good results, and a well deserved and anticipated cheat meal in my near future (2 days but who's counting) are huge motivators.

Status Check

I was asked how I'm feeling and I never thought to answer that question until now. I'm feeling super healthy and full of energy more often than not. Sometimes, I feel like a walking zombie but somehow manage to complete my 1.5 hour workouts plus a full work day. Must be the combination of clean eating and vitamins/supplements my trainer has me taking. I'm probably emotional only when I feel like I want to quit (probably because I want to eat like a beast or because food prep has me in the kitchen for hours). That's when Joe steps in and let's me cry, but stops me at some point to bring me back to life. There is one other thing I noticed - that after I eat bad (ice cream, processed foods) I feel like utter shit. I kneeled over a toilet one night hoping I would throw up the junk I ate bc my insides felt like it was rejecting it. So since then, I've cleaned up my cheat meals to fatty protein (steak, burgers) and starch (potatoes, brown rice).

Missing Simplicity

I miss bananas. I miss peanut butter. Oh, the SIMPLE things.